UKIP - the rich man's BNP. posted by Richard Seymour

Imagine. You're a sleek, silver-haired porn-star look-a-alike with a nice line in soothing bigotry for stay-at-home wives and pensioners. You have a television show of which you are both the presenter and the producer. You earn millions, live in a mansion, and have the daily opportunity to spout your views on national television. Your influence is felt far and wide. You write newspaper columns. Your mightiness is untouched. Then, someone pulls the plug. No more television show, no holding old folks hands and pretending you've known them all your life. Where to now?

If your name is Robert Kilroy-Silk, the obvious answer is to get into parliamentary politics, an arena where reactionary bombast pays off in publicity and public approbation. Imagine, you get to repeat pearls such as:

"Pakistanis want to generate hate ... but then what else can we expect from Pakistan?"

Iraqis are "not worth the life of one British soldier, not one. All they seem to do is moan, incessantly, about their lack of amenities"

Asylum seekers are "parasitical" .

And, of course, Arabs are "suicide bombers, limb amputators and women repressors" who "murdered more than 3,000 civilians on 11 September" and then "danced in the streets" to celebrate.
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Now, if you didn't find any of that funny, I suggest you repeat those sentences to yourself with Kilroy's ridiculous Brummie accent. Yeah.

Anyway, it turns out that the main party of racism and class bigotry appears to be in terminal decline. The Tories should be on the make with the Prime Minister in his present state of disgrace, but they can't seem to shake their reputation for being sinister advocates of public-spending cuts and imperial misadventure - because that is what they are. Instead, there is a small but expanding collection of discontents known as the UK Independence Party whose purview perfectly dove-tails with Kilroy's.

He sits down with his wife and the Earl of Bradford while holidaying in Spain, and the Earl - himself a UKIP loyalist - urges him to front the upcoming Euro election campaign. Kilroy can't believe his luck. Neither can I, as it goes. Because if word gets around of what UKIP really stands for, his reputation will be destroyed. Let's get down to brass tacks - or coffin nails, if you prefer.

The UK Independence Party proclaims that it is against further asylum intake purely because, as they claim, Britain is full already and can't take any more. Roger Knapman, a former Tory whip and now leader of UKIP, explains: 'There is a limit to the number of people we can take in on a small island: it's just a numbers game.' In fact, he moans, 'There's a climate laid down by a Hampstead liberal establishment which has been accepted as the norm, and any view other than this is somehow a bit quirky or rightwing or extremist'.

Quite. But you don't help your case, Mr Knapman, by having among your membership the likes of Mike Natrass, a former member of the extreme-right, pro-apartheid New Britain Party. You don't do yourself any favours by fielding such candidates as Alastair Harper, formerely a leading figure in the fascist Northern League. Or indeed, Andrew Moffat, a defender of the holocaust-denier, David Irving. You could have chosen someone other than Aidan Rankin to co-author your manifesto - especially since he used to write for the far-right Third Way. You might have avoided the predations of Scottish executive member Alistair McConnachie, who told party members, "I don't accept that gas chambers were used to execute Jews for the simple fact there is no direct physical evidence to show that such gas chambers ever existed."

Let's face it, the only good choices you've made so far are getting a couple of clapped out celebrities like Joan Collins and Kilroy to do clap like seals for you in front of the cameras. Should pull in some of the OAP vote.